Such is life.

This entry has nothing to do with OA, but I want to write about it and don't feel comfortable posting it on my other blog (which is very public).

I just received word that my Nana is very ill and likely will die this afternoon. She has had Alzheimer's for a long time and has been in a "memory care center" for a little over a year. A few days ago she refused to stop eating, drinking and taking her medications (of which there are many). Essentially, she decided to give up.

I don't blame her. She can't form sentences, she wets the bed, she barely remembers who she is. She lives in a very nice home for people with dementia and Alzheimer's...but of course all the residents there wonder around like zombies, not knowing who they are or where they are. It's a sad place, though the employees try to make it as nice as possible, and they do a great job. But, inherently, places like that are just depressing. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I were in that situation, and my husband had died 10 years earlier, I think I, too, would decide it was my time. And I do think that she decided it. Even if she can't remember her name, her son's name or the person she was 30, 10 or even two years ago, I think she had the capacity to know that the way she was living was not really living at all.

I don't want to be political, so please don't take this entry offensively. My mom said it's so common for people to say that "pulling the plug" is playing god, but she felt that extending life to a certain point is also playing god in a sense. I have to agree. Sometimes it's just time.

Now, while right now I am sort of in shock and preparing for a phone call any minute from someone (most likely my mom, as my dad may be handling funeral arrangements), I am deeply saddened. I have greatly disliked my Nana for most of my life. That side of the family is just...weird. Manipulative, mean and conniving are probably better adjectives, and my father (it's his mom) has disliked them more than I have. The past few years I have seen my Nana probably once or twice and talked to her by phone maybe a handful of times. She just was not someone I wanted to speak with, especially since she was so awful to my mother, who was nothing but kind and helpful to her--more so than my dad!

But, I know she loved me. She wanted to see me go to college (I did, thanks to a financial situation she was partially responsible for), and she wanted to see me graduate from college. She was just too ill to make the five hour trip for the ceremony, but I visited her right before, though I don't think she had any idea about the graduation. But, she was so happy to see me. In truth, I was happy to see her, too. Like I said before, she could barely speak, but it was okay. I was glad we could communicate through smiles...for once in both of our lives. I'm glad I got to see her one more time, and when I left, she was able to actually say, "So happy to be with people I love."

I hope she doesn't die thinking my entire family hated her. It's a difficult thing to admit: that you really did dislike someone for most of your life when that person is on their deathbed. The guilt is enormous. She really did love her grandchildren, but she was brought up in a very manipulative and suffocating environment (I won't delve into details), so of course she was that way herself. Needless to say, it made our relationship difficult.

Does this entry make any sense? I'm really not sure. I just hope she is at peace.