I've been on a diet my entire life...

This is one of my earliest questions I worked on from when I started OA. I wonder how many other compulsive overeaters have similar stories. Please, if you wish, share yours by commenting.

My first memory of compulsively overeating was when I was about 6. I wanted more cookies after dinner, so I stole some from the kitchen and ran to my room and hid them in my bed. I remember asking my mom when I was in 4^th grade how long it would take to lose 20 pounds, and she said that I kept asking but I never actually tried. I dieted in middle school and lost a lot of weight. In high school there were times when I went on “serious” diets by counting calories. I’ve tried calorie counting so many times on and off, including my freshman year of college, when it worked to a point and then I stopped and went back to my old habits.

I’ve never been able to just leave food on a plate, unless I really didn’t like it. I remember I used to like when my parents left the house so I could have the kitchen to myself and eat whatever I wanted. At parties, I was never able to resist the snack bowls, and I always watched other people to see how much they were eating. I tried not to eat more than other people, and I always rationalized how much I was eating, like if I ate a ton of chips I could say other people ate more at dinner.

In social settings I would always try to find other people who were fatter than I was so I wouldn’t be the fattest person in a room.

My freshman year of college, I gained about 25-30 pounds. I tried going to the gym, but I hate exercising because of my asthma. I tried calorie counting. I tried just being healthier, but I just couldn’t stop myself from eating, especially at night.

I went to a therapist with a specialty in eating disorders, and she helped for awhile, but I felt like it was just another diet. I was in therapy last year to relieve some of my constant anxiety and depression, but that didn’t really help the eating. I finally came to OA because I figured it was worth a shot. I was so preoccupied with what I looked like and what I was eating all the time, and I was never able to control myself…which is something my therapists never understood. They seemed to be in the “willpower” boat, and I have plenty of willpower, but that isn’t good enough for me with food.

I guess I’ve been on a diet my entire life. I’ve been comparing myself to other people and their eating habits my entire life. I’ve always regained back any weight I’ve lost. And it seems like any free space in my mind was always dedicated to the food obsession. I would either think about what I was going to eat, what I shouldn’t eat, what I wanted to eat but vowed I wouldn’t, or just how fat I was in general.