I can't afford to see a psychiatrist, which I desperately need to do. And I can't seem to motivate myself to go to the gym, which I should also do. I work 9-10 hours a day, and by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is get into a pair of shorts and sneakers and hit the treadmill.
So, I'm depressed, I feel fat, I feel ugly and I have no motivation. I've been trying to pray more, but all I can think when I do that is that I'm talking to myself or to a giant black hole of nothingness. I am sad.
I'm going to an OA meeting tonight, and that usually makes me feel better. But oftentimes I don't say what I'm really feeling because I know I'll end up crying. As open and welcoming as an OA meeting is, I don't want to cry in front of a room full of strangers. Sigh.
I've also been dreaming about my dad a lot. A few nights ago I dreamed that he had a heart attack several floors into a subway system and I had no cell service so I couldn't call 911, and by the time I reached the surface he had died.
Last night I dreamed that he came to visit me in Silver Spring and I showed him my new apartment. In my dream he wasn't having much trouble walking and we were getting along...two things that pretty much never happen.
I feel this is a sign of some kind, but I'm not sure what. I tend to believe that our dreams reveal things to us from our subconscious that we have trouble seeing while awake. But I also believe that they can just represent those things that are on our mind the most at any given moment, and my dad has been on my mind a lot lately. He's been very present in my Step 9 work, especially since I'm having a lot of trouble accepting the fact that I should apologize to him.
In any case, that's it. Maybe I'll blog more now.
Hi Laura. My name is Roger and I am a compulsive overeater. That is the first time I have admitted that. I have been to only one meeting and am trying to decide if OA is the right program for me.
ReplyDeleteYour post is so full of ups and downs, I hope you can work through the things that are troubling you.
I know how you feel about see images of yourself that don't match what you see in your head. I recently gave my daughter in marriage to a nice guy at a wonderful wedding. And when I saw the pictures of me and her (she is a bird) I wondered "who the heck is the bald fat guy giving my daughter away?" It wasn't the image I have of myself. That more than anything is why I am looking to OA as a way to fight this addiction.
Thanks for your post - it does help.
Hi Laura, I just read your post, I was looking for a blog where I could chat with someone about this issue. Unfortunately see that you have not post for 2 years. :-( oh well
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