Hi again

Hey, it's the prodigal compulsive overeater. I'm not doing so well right now. I'm eating fairly well. Not being compulsive for the most part. But I feel very fat. That's always the hardest part for me. I just want to be thin and I feel so gross. I went to a wedding this past weekend, and I bought a really pretty dress, and I felt so pretty in it but when I saw pictures of myself I saw that I wasn't pretty at all. I looked like an ugly girl in a pretty dress.

I can't afford to see a psychiatrist, which I desperately need to do. And I can't seem to motivate myself to go to the gym, which I should also do. I work 9-10 hours a day, and by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is get into a pair of shorts and sneakers and hit the treadmill.

So, I'm depressed, I feel fat, I feel ugly and I have no motivation. I've been trying to pray more, but all I can think when I do that is that I'm talking to myself or to a giant black hole of nothingness. I am sad.

I'm going to an OA meeting tonight, and that usually makes me feel better. But oftentimes I don't say what I'm really feeling because I know I'll end up crying. As open and welcoming as an OA meeting is, I don't want to cry in front of a room full of strangers. Sigh.

I've also been dreaming about my dad a lot. A few nights ago I dreamed that he had a heart attack several floors into a subway system and I had no cell service so I couldn't call 911, and by the time I reached the surface he had died.

Last night I dreamed that he came to visit me in Silver Spring and I showed him my new apartment. In my dream he wasn't having much trouble walking and we were getting along...two things that pretty much never happen.

I feel this is a sign of some kind, but I'm not sure what. I tend to believe that our dreams reveal things to us from our subconscious that we have trouble seeing while awake. But I also believe that they can just represent those things that are on our mind the most at any given moment, and my dad has been on my mind a lot lately. He's been very present in my Step 9 work, especially since I'm having a lot of trouble accepting the fact that I should apologize to him.

In any case, that's it. Maybe I'll blog more now.

I'm back

Once again, I have not updated for a long time. Sorry about that...if I even have any readers left to apologize to. haha.

Anyway, I once again "attended" a phone meeting tonight. And I heard one thing I really loved; one woman said, "My food is quiet. Isn't doesn't sing and dance anymore."

I just LOVE that. Quiet food...what a thought.

It's been a rough couple of weeks, and I've finally got back to abstinence the past few days with the help of a good friend.

I think I'm going to do a gratitude list:

1. Gwen, always there, for OA and anything else. She'll never know what she means to me.
2. Mithun, my boyfriend, who for some unfathomable reason loves me still.
3. My co-workers, for letting me go home when I'm sick. Actually, for MAKING me go home when I'm sick, even when there's tons of work to do at the office.
4. For my Dad, who inspired me to make a call that I should have made weeks ago.
5. For all my good friends, OA and otherwise, who are more like family than anything else.
6. For corticosteroids...without which I may not be breathing right now (terribly cold combined with asthma...not so good).
7. Phone meetings
8. My iPhone (I know...lame. But hey, you do what you gotta do haha)
9. Cats. I just love them. They're just so goddamn adorable. I sort of wish I had one haha

Okay, good night!

I tried to pray today, oh boy...(sung as "A day in the life")

It's so striking to me how some days can be so easy and some days can be so hard. And it's even weirder in that the more stressed I am, the better I am about food! Not always, but it does seem that normal days, days where I have nothing to be worried about at all, are the days I want to eat the most. I've tried for so long to figure out how and why this could possibly be, and the only thing I can think of is that when I'm stressed, I'm distracted. I simply have other things on my mind that take precedence over food. When I'm not stressed, when I'm just relaxing, watching TV, I am so much more alone. The food has more room to occupy in my mind.

Or perhaps, subconsciously, I'm afraid of my thoughts. You know, the self hatred, the loneliness, the fear, blah blah blah. Maybe I let the food sneak in so I have something else to think about.

Anyone else have a similar issue?

In other news, I meant to post this awhile ago, and I never did! I guess I just forgot. It's from about 3 weeks ago:

Tonight, I prayed. I bowed down on the floor, arms stretched out in front of me, legs under my stomach, eyes closed, and prayed.

Well, I tried to pray. I kept thinking about the Paul McCartney concert. So, instead of trying to speak, I just imagined myself bowed down before the Universe. The Universe is my HP, so I thought this was appropriate. I wanted to feel small. So, I bowed down to the Universe, which I imagine basically as space…eternal black of the abyss, with the twinkling of stars and planets every so often, and I, bowed down, floating in space.

I could smell my carpet, which reminded me I needed to vacuum, but I decided not to get distracted and went back to bowing before the Universe. I was actually bowed down in front of my closet, which is so full of dirty laundry I’m sure even the worst of heretics would find it blasphemous to kneel down before such a filthy alter.

In any case, I tried to pray, and that’s a step.

I've been on a diet my entire life...

This is one of my earliest questions I worked on from when I started OA. I wonder how many other compulsive overeaters have similar stories. Please, if you wish, share yours by commenting.

My first memory of compulsively overeating was when I was about 6. I wanted more cookies after dinner, so I stole some from the kitchen and ran to my room and hid them in my bed. I remember asking my mom when I was in 4^th grade how long it would take to lose 20 pounds, and she said that I kept asking but I never actually tried. I dieted in middle school and lost a lot of weight. In high school there were times when I went on “serious” diets by counting calories. I’ve tried calorie counting so many times on and off, including my freshman year of college, when it worked to a point and then I stopped and went back to my old habits.

I’ve never been able to just leave food on a plate, unless I really didn’t like it. I remember I used to like when my parents left the house so I could have the kitchen to myself and eat whatever I wanted. At parties, I was never able to resist the snack bowls, and I always watched other people to see how much they were eating. I tried not to eat more than other people, and I always rationalized how much I was eating, like if I ate a ton of chips I could say other people ate more at dinner.

In social settings I would always try to find other people who were fatter than I was so I wouldn’t be the fattest person in a room.

My freshman year of college, I gained about 25-30 pounds. I tried going to the gym, but I hate exercising because of my asthma. I tried calorie counting. I tried just being healthier, but I just couldn’t stop myself from eating, especially at night.

I went to a therapist with a specialty in eating disorders, and she helped for awhile, but I felt like it was just another diet. I was in therapy last year to relieve some of my constant anxiety and depression, but that didn’t really help the eating. I finally came to OA because I figured it was worth a shot. I was so preoccupied with what I looked like and what I was eating all the time, and I was never able to control myself…which is something my therapists never understood. They seemed to be in the “willpower” boat, and I have plenty of willpower, but that isn’t good enough for me with food.

I guess I’ve been on a diet my entire life. I’ve been comparing myself to other people and their eating habits my entire life. I’ve always regained back any weight I’ve lost. And it seems like any free space in my mind was always dedicated to the food obsession. I would either think about what I was going to eat, what I shouldn’t eat, what I wanted to eat but vowed I wouldn’t, or just how fat I was in general.

Virtual Recovery

A few days ago I finally made it to a meeting...well...it was a phone meeting. I had just gotten off the phone with my sponsor a little after 10pm and realized that if I was going to go to a meeting, then now was as good time as any. So, I looked up the times for a phone meeting, and sure enough, there was one at 10pm. I was only a few minutes late.

I was very skeptical. So much of OA for me is the community, and that comes through so much more when you're meeting with fellow OA-ers in person. But, considering my insane schedule, a phone meeting had to do.

The group leader chose to talk about the traditions. I HATE the traditions. I never saw them as really applicable. I'm more of a 12 steps and Big Book person. They're so much more personal to me. But as with any OA meeting, I got something out of it.

A woman on the phone (from Louisiana I believe) said she just loved the third tradition:

"The only requirement for OA membership is a desire to stop eating compulsively."

I have never really thought about that. But damn, that really did mean something. No matter how long I'm away, no matter how bad I may feel, I always have this to come back to. Even when I don't accept myself, OA does. It takes me as I am, as long as I desire to stop eating compulsively...and that won't ever be a problem. And, I don't even have to WORK. I just have to WISH I didn't eat compulsively. That's an easier club to join than the Church of Scientology!

Anyway, I'm grateful.

Also, the OA Web site has been redone, and it looks great! Check it out at www.oa.org

Phone meetings (USA) can be found at: http://www.oa.org/pdfs/phone_mtgs.pdf

A Rough Week.

Hello all you readers...who may or may not exist.

It's been a tough week. I've been "bad" lately. I haven't gone to a meeting in over a month. Truthfully it is very difficult to schedule time for a meeting when I am at the office from 9-5 or 6, and I do a lot of different activities at night. But, I guess if it had been a priority I would have done it. My sponsor was out of town, and I could have called someone else. I SHOULD have called someone else, especially since I found myself overeating nearly every single day.

I can blame a new work schedule, a new lifestyle, a new everything, but I really haven't given my recovery and abstinence the attention they deserve.

Why is this so hard? Why can't I just have a goddamn piece of cake or something?!

I think what I need to do is just take a deep breath, focus and let myself just feel what is right for my body.