Hi again

Hey, it's the prodigal compulsive overeater. I'm not doing so well right now. I'm eating fairly well. Not being compulsive for the most part. But I feel very fat. That's always the hardest part for me. I just want to be thin and I feel so gross. I went to a wedding this past weekend, and I bought a really pretty dress, and I felt so pretty in it but when I saw pictures of myself I saw that I wasn't pretty at all. I looked like an ugly girl in a pretty dress.

I can't afford to see a psychiatrist, which I desperately need to do. And I can't seem to motivate myself to go to the gym, which I should also do. I work 9-10 hours a day, and by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is get into a pair of shorts and sneakers and hit the treadmill.

So, I'm depressed, I feel fat, I feel ugly and I have no motivation. I've been trying to pray more, but all I can think when I do that is that I'm talking to myself or to a giant black hole of nothingness. I am sad.

I'm going to an OA meeting tonight, and that usually makes me feel better. But oftentimes I don't say what I'm really feeling because I know I'll end up crying. As open and welcoming as an OA meeting is, I don't want to cry in front of a room full of strangers. Sigh.

I've also been dreaming about my dad a lot. A few nights ago I dreamed that he had a heart attack several floors into a subway system and I had no cell service so I couldn't call 911, and by the time I reached the surface he had died.

Last night I dreamed that he came to visit me in Silver Spring and I showed him my new apartment. In my dream he wasn't having much trouble walking and we were getting along...two things that pretty much never happen.

I feel this is a sign of some kind, but I'm not sure what. I tend to believe that our dreams reveal things to us from our subconscious that we have trouble seeing while awake. But I also believe that they can just represent those things that are on our mind the most at any given moment, and my dad has been on my mind a lot lately. He's been very present in my Step 9 work, especially since I'm having a lot of trouble accepting the fact that I should apologize to him.

In any case, that's it. Maybe I'll blog more now.

Homework assignment...

My sponsor asked me to do a homework assignment and write why I haven't gone to a meeting in awhile. It's been about a month and a half.

Here goes:

I haven't been to a meeting because it's been hard to find time. I tried to go once, but all the doors to the church were locked and I ended up setting off the alarm. It was frustrating. Every Tuesday since then (Tuesday is the night of the most convenient meeting for me) I have had plans with friends. I had a softball game, I went to a trivia night at a bar, or I hung out with my boyfriend.

Of course when it comes down to it, there are meetings all over the DC Metro area. I shouldn't limit myself to just Tuesday nights in Silver Spring. But after work, I am just exhausted! I don't want to pick myself up and go to a meeting. It eats up my night...no pun intended. I would much rather go out with friends than go to a meeting. I mean, I like meetings. I always am glad that I go, but when decision time comes I always mess up and don't go.

I guess it's a lot like eating decisions. I know I should stay abstinent and eat what's good for me, but when it comes to actually making the choice, sometimes I don't go down the path that is best for me. Speaking of eating, it's been getting progressively worse since the last time I was at a meeting. If anything should tell me to get off my lazy ass and go admit my disease to a group of anonymous strangers, it really should be that.

Things haven't been awful, but they haven't been great. I've also been more neurotic, more stressed, and more obsessive (synonym for neurotic, but I'm really trying to hammer home this point).

I guess I'll look up a phone meeting on OA.org.

Revisiting the beginning

Hello again! Today was a fairly good food day for me. Honestly, lately I feel like my meal sizes have been really sporadic. I get famished in the morning, no matter how big my breakfast is. Then again in the afternoon, but I'm afraid to eat more at lunch for fear I'll overeat. It's been tough to acknowledge that maybe I really should just eat a little more. This disease is a fascinating beast. Just when you think you have it figured out it really takes you for a ride.

For today, I'm posting the first questions I ever did for OA.

1. a. Why do you need to stop overeating in your life right now?

I am way too busy, too stressed to be so neurotic about overeating. All I ever do is worry, whether it’s about school, or work, or the clubs I’m in. I don’t need to be stressed about something else and right now overeating is just another stressor. I would love to get some peace of mind on at least one thing, and I am way too smart to let this addiction consume me.

b. Why did you come to OA?

Because I have tried everything else, and it was time to realize that stopping overeating was not something I could do simply by trying, even though I have tried really really really hard. I figured it was worth a shot.

c. What are you seeking?

Peace of mind and weight loss. I want to be thin, but I also want to be at peace with who I am. I’m sick of hating myself, I want to be happy with my body and who I am.

d. Is slimness the most important thing?

Yes and No. I know that health is more important than appearance, but I know that you will be more healthy when you’re thin. I also know that what is most important is how I feel about myself, but I think I would feel better about myself if I were thin. I think I would be happier if I were thin because I wouldn’t be so self-conscious, I would be more adventurous, I would be more confident around others.

***

I haven't read these in a very long time (like...since I wrote them nearly a year ago!) and my answers are very similar. I have since graduated from college, but the same stressors apply with my new job and moving to a new area, etc.

That last question really gets me, though! Is slimness the most important thing? I'm still not sure if I truly do believe that the answer is "no." Compulsive Laura says, "Of COURSE it's the most important thing! If you're thin, everything else will fall into place! Everyone will love you, and you won't ever have to worry about anything again."

Older, wiser, OA Laura says, "While you may feel that way, you know deep down it's not true. Thin Laura would be as much of a worrier and neurotic as Chubby Laura is. What matters is stopping the obsession and being at peace with who you are."

*sigh* Compulsive Laura's answers are so much simpler.

So, readers: Did you do the step one and two questions? Did they help you? Did you realize anything new??