Hi again

Hey, it's the prodigal compulsive overeater. I'm not doing so well right now. I'm eating fairly well. Not being compulsive for the most part. But I feel very fat. That's always the hardest part for me. I just want to be thin and I feel so gross. I went to a wedding this past weekend, and I bought a really pretty dress, and I felt so pretty in it but when I saw pictures of myself I saw that I wasn't pretty at all. I looked like an ugly girl in a pretty dress.

I can't afford to see a psychiatrist, which I desperately need to do. And I can't seem to motivate myself to go to the gym, which I should also do. I work 9-10 hours a day, and by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is get into a pair of shorts and sneakers and hit the treadmill.

So, I'm depressed, I feel fat, I feel ugly and I have no motivation. I've been trying to pray more, but all I can think when I do that is that I'm talking to myself or to a giant black hole of nothingness. I am sad.

I'm going to an OA meeting tonight, and that usually makes me feel better. But oftentimes I don't say what I'm really feeling because I know I'll end up crying. As open and welcoming as an OA meeting is, I don't want to cry in front of a room full of strangers. Sigh.

I've also been dreaming about my dad a lot. A few nights ago I dreamed that he had a heart attack several floors into a subway system and I had no cell service so I couldn't call 911, and by the time I reached the surface he had died.

Last night I dreamed that he came to visit me in Silver Spring and I showed him my new apartment. In my dream he wasn't having much trouble walking and we were getting along...two things that pretty much never happen.

I feel this is a sign of some kind, but I'm not sure what. I tend to believe that our dreams reveal things to us from our subconscious that we have trouble seeing while awake. But I also believe that they can just represent those things that are on our mind the most at any given moment, and my dad has been on my mind a lot lately. He's been very present in my Step 9 work, especially since I'm having a lot of trouble accepting the fact that I should apologize to him.

In any case, that's it. Maybe I'll blog more now.

Virtual Recovery

A few days ago I finally made it to a meeting...well...it was a phone meeting. I had just gotten off the phone with my sponsor a little after 10pm and realized that if I was going to go to a meeting, then now was as good time as any. So, I looked up the times for a phone meeting, and sure enough, there was one at 10pm. I was only a few minutes late.

I was very skeptical. So much of OA for me is the community, and that comes through so much more when you're meeting with fellow OA-ers in person. But, considering my insane schedule, a phone meeting had to do.

The group leader chose to talk about the traditions. I HATE the traditions. I never saw them as really applicable. I'm more of a 12 steps and Big Book person. They're so much more personal to me. But as with any OA meeting, I got something out of it.

A woman on the phone (from Louisiana I believe) said she just loved the third tradition:

"The only requirement for OA membership is a desire to stop eating compulsively."

I have never really thought about that. But damn, that really did mean something. No matter how long I'm away, no matter how bad I may feel, I always have this to come back to. Even when I don't accept myself, OA does. It takes me as I am, as long as I desire to stop eating compulsively...and that won't ever be a problem. And, I don't even have to WORK. I just have to WISH I didn't eat compulsively. That's an easier club to join than the Church of Scientology!

Anyway, I'm grateful.

Also, the OA Web site has been redone, and it looks great! Check it out at www.oa.org

Phone meetings (USA) can be found at: http://www.oa.org/pdfs/phone_mtgs.pdf