Hi again

Hey, it's the prodigal compulsive overeater. I'm not doing so well right now. I'm eating fairly well. Not being compulsive for the most part. But I feel very fat. That's always the hardest part for me. I just want to be thin and I feel so gross. I went to a wedding this past weekend, and I bought a really pretty dress, and I felt so pretty in it but when I saw pictures of myself I saw that I wasn't pretty at all. I looked like an ugly girl in a pretty dress.

I can't afford to see a psychiatrist, which I desperately need to do. And I can't seem to motivate myself to go to the gym, which I should also do. I work 9-10 hours a day, and by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is get into a pair of shorts and sneakers and hit the treadmill.

So, I'm depressed, I feel fat, I feel ugly and I have no motivation. I've been trying to pray more, but all I can think when I do that is that I'm talking to myself or to a giant black hole of nothingness. I am sad.

I'm going to an OA meeting tonight, and that usually makes me feel better. But oftentimes I don't say what I'm really feeling because I know I'll end up crying. As open and welcoming as an OA meeting is, I don't want to cry in front of a room full of strangers. Sigh.

I've also been dreaming about my dad a lot. A few nights ago I dreamed that he had a heart attack several floors into a subway system and I had no cell service so I couldn't call 911, and by the time I reached the surface he had died.

Last night I dreamed that he came to visit me in Silver Spring and I showed him my new apartment. In my dream he wasn't having much trouble walking and we were getting along...two things that pretty much never happen.

I feel this is a sign of some kind, but I'm not sure what. I tend to believe that our dreams reveal things to us from our subconscious that we have trouble seeing while awake. But I also believe that they can just represent those things that are on our mind the most at any given moment, and my dad has been on my mind a lot lately. He's been very present in my Step 9 work, especially since I'm having a lot of trouble accepting the fact that I should apologize to him.

In any case, that's it. Maybe I'll blog more now.

I tried to pray today, oh boy...(sung as "A day in the life")

It's so striking to me how some days can be so easy and some days can be so hard. And it's even weirder in that the more stressed I am, the better I am about food! Not always, but it does seem that normal days, days where I have nothing to be worried about at all, are the days I want to eat the most. I've tried for so long to figure out how and why this could possibly be, and the only thing I can think of is that when I'm stressed, I'm distracted. I simply have other things on my mind that take precedence over food. When I'm not stressed, when I'm just relaxing, watching TV, I am so much more alone. The food has more room to occupy in my mind.

Or perhaps, subconsciously, I'm afraid of my thoughts. You know, the self hatred, the loneliness, the fear, blah blah blah. Maybe I let the food sneak in so I have something else to think about.

Anyone else have a similar issue?

In other news, I meant to post this awhile ago, and I never did! I guess I just forgot. It's from about 3 weeks ago:

Tonight, I prayed. I bowed down on the floor, arms stretched out in front of me, legs under my stomach, eyes closed, and prayed.

Well, I tried to pray. I kept thinking about the Paul McCartney concert. So, instead of trying to speak, I just imagined myself bowed down before the Universe. The Universe is my HP, so I thought this was appropriate. I wanted to feel small. So, I bowed down to the Universe, which I imagine basically as space…eternal black of the abyss, with the twinkling of stars and planets every so often, and I, bowed down, floating in space.

I could smell my carpet, which reminded me I needed to vacuum, but I decided not to get distracted and went back to bowing before the Universe. I was actually bowed down in front of my closet, which is so full of dirty laundry I’m sure even the worst of heretics would find it blasphemous to kneel down before such a filthy alter.

In any case, I tried to pray, and that’s a step.

I've been on a diet my entire life...

This is one of my earliest questions I worked on from when I started OA. I wonder how many other compulsive overeaters have similar stories. Please, if you wish, share yours by commenting.

My first memory of compulsively overeating was when I was about 6. I wanted more cookies after dinner, so I stole some from the kitchen and ran to my room and hid them in my bed. I remember asking my mom when I was in 4^th grade how long it would take to lose 20 pounds, and she said that I kept asking but I never actually tried. I dieted in middle school and lost a lot of weight. In high school there were times when I went on “serious” diets by counting calories. I’ve tried calorie counting so many times on and off, including my freshman year of college, when it worked to a point and then I stopped and went back to my old habits.

I’ve never been able to just leave food on a plate, unless I really didn’t like it. I remember I used to like when my parents left the house so I could have the kitchen to myself and eat whatever I wanted. At parties, I was never able to resist the snack bowls, and I always watched other people to see how much they were eating. I tried not to eat more than other people, and I always rationalized how much I was eating, like if I ate a ton of chips I could say other people ate more at dinner.

In social settings I would always try to find other people who were fatter than I was so I wouldn’t be the fattest person in a room.

My freshman year of college, I gained about 25-30 pounds. I tried going to the gym, but I hate exercising because of my asthma. I tried calorie counting. I tried just being healthier, but I just couldn’t stop myself from eating, especially at night.

I went to a therapist with a specialty in eating disorders, and she helped for awhile, but I felt like it was just another diet. I was in therapy last year to relieve some of my constant anxiety and depression, but that didn’t really help the eating. I finally came to OA because I figured it was worth a shot. I was so preoccupied with what I looked like and what I was eating all the time, and I was never able to control myself…which is something my therapists never understood. They seemed to be in the “willpower” boat, and I have plenty of willpower, but that isn’t good enough for me with food.

I guess I’ve been on a diet my entire life. I’ve been comparing myself to other people and their eating habits my entire life. I’ve always regained back any weight I’ve lost. And it seems like any free space in my mind was always dedicated to the food obsession. I would either think about what I was going to eat, what I shouldn’t eat, what I wanted to eat but vowed I wouldn’t, or just how fat I was in general.

Homework assignment...

My sponsor asked me to do a homework assignment and write why I haven't gone to a meeting in awhile. It's been about a month and a half.

Here goes:

I haven't been to a meeting because it's been hard to find time. I tried to go once, but all the doors to the church were locked and I ended up setting off the alarm. It was frustrating. Every Tuesday since then (Tuesday is the night of the most convenient meeting for me) I have had plans with friends. I had a softball game, I went to a trivia night at a bar, or I hung out with my boyfriend.

Of course when it comes down to it, there are meetings all over the DC Metro area. I shouldn't limit myself to just Tuesday nights in Silver Spring. But after work, I am just exhausted! I don't want to pick myself up and go to a meeting. It eats up my night...no pun intended. I would much rather go out with friends than go to a meeting. I mean, I like meetings. I always am glad that I go, but when decision time comes I always mess up and don't go.

I guess it's a lot like eating decisions. I know I should stay abstinent and eat what's good for me, but when it comes to actually making the choice, sometimes I don't go down the path that is best for me. Speaking of eating, it's been getting progressively worse since the last time I was at a meeting. If anything should tell me to get off my lazy ass and go admit my disease to a group of anonymous strangers, it really should be that.

Things haven't been awful, but they haven't been great. I've also been more neurotic, more stressed, and more obsessive (synonym for neurotic, but I'm really trying to hammer home this point).

I guess I'll look up a phone meeting on OA.org.

Revisiting the beginning

Hello again! Today was a fairly good food day for me. Honestly, lately I feel like my meal sizes have been really sporadic. I get famished in the morning, no matter how big my breakfast is. Then again in the afternoon, but I'm afraid to eat more at lunch for fear I'll overeat. It's been tough to acknowledge that maybe I really should just eat a little more. This disease is a fascinating beast. Just when you think you have it figured out it really takes you for a ride.

For today, I'm posting the first questions I ever did for OA.

1. a. Why do you need to stop overeating in your life right now?

I am way too busy, too stressed to be so neurotic about overeating. All I ever do is worry, whether it’s about school, or work, or the clubs I’m in. I don’t need to be stressed about something else and right now overeating is just another stressor. I would love to get some peace of mind on at least one thing, and I am way too smart to let this addiction consume me.

b. Why did you come to OA?

Because I have tried everything else, and it was time to realize that stopping overeating was not something I could do simply by trying, even though I have tried really really really hard. I figured it was worth a shot.

c. What are you seeking?

Peace of mind and weight loss. I want to be thin, but I also want to be at peace with who I am. I’m sick of hating myself, I want to be happy with my body and who I am.

d. Is slimness the most important thing?

Yes and No. I know that health is more important than appearance, but I know that you will be more healthy when you’re thin. I also know that what is most important is how I feel about myself, but I think I would feel better about myself if I were thin. I think I would be happier if I were thin because I wouldn’t be so self-conscious, I would be more adventurous, I would be more confident around others.

***

I haven't read these in a very long time (like...since I wrote them nearly a year ago!) and my answers are very similar. I have since graduated from college, but the same stressors apply with my new job and moving to a new area, etc.

That last question really gets me, though! Is slimness the most important thing? I'm still not sure if I truly do believe that the answer is "no." Compulsive Laura says, "Of COURSE it's the most important thing! If you're thin, everything else will fall into place! Everyone will love you, and you won't ever have to worry about anything again."

Older, wiser, OA Laura says, "While you may feel that way, you know deep down it's not true. Thin Laura would be as much of a worrier and neurotic as Chubby Laura is. What matters is stopping the obsession and being at peace with who you are."

*sigh* Compulsive Laura's answers are so much simpler.

So, readers: Did you do the step one and two questions? Did they help you? Did you realize anything new??