Virtual Recovery

A few days ago I finally made it to a meeting...well...it was a phone meeting. I had just gotten off the phone with my sponsor a little after 10pm and realized that if I was going to go to a meeting, then now was as good time as any. So, I looked up the times for a phone meeting, and sure enough, there was one at 10pm. I was only a few minutes late.

I was very skeptical. So much of OA for me is the community, and that comes through so much more when you're meeting with fellow OA-ers in person. But, considering my insane schedule, a phone meeting had to do.

The group leader chose to talk about the traditions. I HATE the traditions. I never saw them as really applicable. I'm more of a 12 steps and Big Book person. They're so much more personal to me. But as with any OA meeting, I got something out of it.

A woman on the phone (from Louisiana I believe) said she just loved the third tradition:

"The only requirement for OA membership is a desire to stop eating compulsively."

I have never really thought about that. But damn, that really did mean something. No matter how long I'm away, no matter how bad I may feel, I always have this to come back to. Even when I don't accept myself, OA does. It takes me as I am, as long as I desire to stop eating compulsively...and that won't ever be a problem. And, I don't even have to WORK. I just have to WISH I didn't eat compulsively. That's an easier club to join than the Church of Scientology!

Anyway, I'm grateful.

Also, the OA Web site has been redone, and it looks great! Check it out at www.oa.org

Phone meetings (USA) can be found at: http://www.oa.org/pdfs/phone_mtgs.pdf

More rambling incoherencies that may or may not be a book review.

I would like to share my thoughts on a book with you. It's a popular book, I'm sure you've heard of it, but that should by no means diminish the value of it. Eat. Pray. Love. by Elizabeth Gilbert.

You can easily find multiple reviews on many Web sites and in many newspapers, so I'm just going to sum this beautiful book up as follows:

This book, a little over 300 pages, took me about three months to read. It absolutely should not have taken that long, but I think I avoided reading it on a steady basis because I was afraid. It brought out so much in me that I did not want to see or think about or acknowledge. Eat. Pray. Love. is a memoir (all true) about a woman's search "for everything across Italy, India and Indonesia." In the regular world, this is a book for emotional women. But, I believe, it is also a book for addicts.

Compulsive overeaters like myself should not be afraid to read this book because the word "eat" is in the title. For the author, this was simply a word for pleasure, pleasure of which she had not believed herself to be worthy. Addicts hate themselves. Not always and not completely, but one must hate themselves at least a little to believe themselves worthy of the torment we put ourselves through. This book is about allowing yourself to experience pleasure.

It was also about spiritual journeys. As any good urban professional 20-something is, I am a flavor-of-the-week spiritualist. I was raised Catholic. I became skeptic in high school, explored for a bit, decided nothing made sense (excluding Eastern Philosophy, which I ignorantly deemed as simply too weird), and became an ardent, political atheist. Then, I met OA, decided something out there was bigger than myself, and that's where I am now. Somewhere.

It's hard to feel ok with this when every day we are bombarded with bad news about genocide, war, terror, etc etc etc everywhere in the world. You need to believe in something...and not to have something firm on which to ground yourself...yikes! Especially when you ARE an urban professional 20-something.

Well, Eat. Pray. Love. says that's ok. Moreover, it made me even more interested in Hinduism and Buddhism than I have been over the past year (I've been dating an Indian, and he's taught me a lot about Hindu philosophy. It's not weird. If anything, it makes a whole lot more sense than Christianity...to me anyway).

And it spoke to me in a lot of other ways...ways that may be too personal or incapable of being described in a rambling blog post, for which I apologize profusely.

Since moving, starting my job, and not getting to a meeting in over a month (see previous post), I have been having a hard time loving myself. I just feel...unworthy. Thinking about this fact, prompted by the book that took me three months to finish, makes me cry. But that's good. Crying is evidence of emotion, of vitality, of real-ness. I am grateful for this.

I would like to share the last line of the book with you (whoever you are...wherever you are). It really spoke to me, since I, like many addicts, feels the need to so desperately convey gratitude to everyone in a tangible way, perhaps through gifts or excessive verbal thanks...sometimes for unhealthy reasons. Myself, I just want to be loved. Here it is:

"In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back to people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices."

Homework assignment...

My sponsor asked me to do a homework assignment and write why I haven't gone to a meeting in awhile. It's been about a month and a half.

Here goes:

I haven't been to a meeting because it's been hard to find time. I tried to go once, but all the doors to the church were locked and I ended up setting off the alarm. It was frustrating. Every Tuesday since then (Tuesday is the night of the most convenient meeting for me) I have had plans with friends. I had a softball game, I went to a trivia night at a bar, or I hung out with my boyfriend.

Of course when it comes down to it, there are meetings all over the DC Metro area. I shouldn't limit myself to just Tuesday nights in Silver Spring. But after work, I am just exhausted! I don't want to pick myself up and go to a meeting. It eats up my night...no pun intended. I would much rather go out with friends than go to a meeting. I mean, I like meetings. I always am glad that I go, but when decision time comes I always mess up and don't go.

I guess it's a lot like eating decisions. I know I should stay abstinent and eat what's good for me, but when it comes to actually making the choice, sometimes I don't go down the path that is best for me. Speaking of eating, it's been getting progressively worse since the last time I was at a meeting. If anything should tell me to get off my lazy ass and go admit my disease to a group of anonymous strangers, it really should be that.

Things haven't been awful, but they haven't been great. I've also been more neurotic, more stressed, and more obsessive (synonym for neurotic, but I'm really trying to hammer home this point).

I guess I'll look up a phone meeting on OA.org.

A Rough Week.

Hello all you readers...who may or may not exist.

It's been a tough week. I've been "bad" lately. I haven't gone to a meeting in over a month. Truthfully it is very difficult to schedule time for a meeting when I am at the office from 9-5 or 6, and I do a lot of different activities at night. But, I guess if it had been a priority I would have done it. My sponsor was out of town, and I could have called someone else. I SHOULD have called someone else, especially since I found myself overeating nearly every single day.

I can blame a new work schedule, a new lifestyle, a new everything, but I really haven't given my recovery and abstinence the attention they deserve.

Why is this so hard? Why can't I just have a goddamn piece of cake or something?!

I think what I need to do is just take a deep breath, focus and let myself just feel what is right for my body.

Revisiting the beginning

Hello again! Today was a fairly good food day for me. Honestly, lately I feel like my meal sizes have been really sporadic. I get famished in the morning, no matter how big my breakfast is. Then again in the afternoon, but I'm afraid to eat more at lunch for fear I'll overeat. It's been tough to acknowledge that maybe I really should just eat a little more. This disease is a fascinating beast. Just when you think you have it figured out it really takes you for a ride.

For today, I'm posting the first questions I ever did for OA.

1. a. Why do you need to stop overeating in your life right now?

I am way too busy, too stressed to be so neurotic about overeating. All I ever do is worry, whether it’s about school, or work, or the clubs I’m in. I don’t need to be stressed about something else and right now overeating is just another stressor. I would love to get some peace of mind on at least one thing, and I am way too smart to let this addiction consume me.

b. Why did you come to OA?

Because I have tried everything else, and it was time to realize that stopping overeating was not something I could do simply by trying, even though I have tried really really really hard. I figured it was worth a shot.

c. What are you seeking?

Peace of mind and weight loss. I want to be thin, but I also want to be at peace with who I am. I’m sick of hating myself, I want to be happy with my body and who I am.

d. Is slimness the most important thing?

Yes and No. I know that health is more important than appearance, but I know that you will be more healthy when you’re thin. I also know that what is most important is how I feel about myself, but I think I would feel better about myself if I were thin. I think I would be happier if I were thin because I wouldn’t be so self-conscious, I would be more adventurous, I would be more confident around others.

***

I haven't read these in a very long time (like...since I wrote them nearly a year ago!) and my answers are very similar. I have since graduated from college, but the same stressors apply with my new job and moving to a new area, etc.

That last question really gets me, though! Is slimness the most important thing? I'm still not sure if I truly do believe that the answer is "no." Compulsive Laura says, "Of COURSE it's the most important thing! If you're thin, everything else will fall into place! Everyone will love you, and you won't ever have to worry about anything again."

Older, wiser, OA Laura says, "While you may feel that way, you know deep down it's not true. Thin Laura would be as much of a worrier and neurotic as Chubby Laura is. What matters is stopping the obsession and being at peace with who you are."

*sigh* Compulsive Laura's answers are so much simpler.

So, readers: Did you do the step one and two questions? Did they help you? Did you realize anything new??

My name is Laura.

My name is Laura. I'm a compulsive overeater.

I remember the first time I said those words in my first meeting nearly a year ago. It was scary...no. Deathly frightening. I had avoided saying those words for two years, even though I knew they were true. Even though I've been in program for 10 months, I decided to start a blog now to help me stay on track and regain some of the enthusiasm I initially had when I first started in OA. The format I'm choosing for now (and hopefully it won't get too confusing!) is to post all my OA step-work from the beginning, intermixed with present progress (or lack thereof depending on the day).

I hope you enjoy this blog and maybe even get something out of it. Please leave comments or send me an email at doubthoperecovery@gmail.com. If you have your own twelve-step blog, I would love to see it!

For now, I will post the journal entry I wrote to myself a few weeks before I finally got to my first meeting:

20 September, 2008

For the first time in months I went on the OA website. I do this every so often, write down the times of meetings, debate going, leave the post it with the times on my desk to remind myself that I should go, that it would do me some good, that I'd be no worse off than I am now if I made myself go even once. I don't know why I can't bring myself to go. I guess I do know why. I'm so afraid of crying in front of everyone and showing them how weak I am. It would be so embarrassing, even if they all had gone through it too.

I don't like to show people if I'm vulnerable. I'm supposed to be strong and smart and the person who is the rock for others. But I think it's time for me to admit that I can't do that anymore, I need a rock, too. I'm still scared. It makes me so angry that most people don't have this problem, they can just shed the pounds through sheer willpower. They don't have an addiction. I feel like it would be better to be able to take all my willpower I have with my work and put it towards diligence in weightloss. I just can't seem to do it. I take too much pride in my work and intelligence than to let that go. And then there's Mike. Sometimes I hate him so much for making me feel the way I do. Between loving him and then getting so upset with some of the things he says to me. No wonder I'm a mess. But I can't blame him. Isn't that one of the twelve steps? To stop blaming others and take responsibility? At least now I don't worry about him cheating on me. I just worry about him wanting to, or wondering if he'd be better off without me. God I'm so fucking insecure it's ridiculous. I haven't had a functional relationship in two years. I feel completely incapable of being loved. I feel like my friends don't even like me. Hell, I don't even like me. I don't really like a single thing about me. I used to like my eyes because they were big and they sparkled. But now when I look in the mirror I just get so disgusted with everything I see, even my eyes seem dull and lifeless. My hair is flat. My face is so round my eyes don't pop the way they used to. I look bad in everything.

I can't believe Mike decided to go out with me at all. He must really like my personality, which doesn't even seem that great to me. Sometimes I can fake it. I can be peppy and happy. Sometimes I'm not faking it. But I don't remember half of the things I do or say. People will remind me or I'll read stuff in im transcripts and I have absolutely no recollection of most of it. It's like I'm existing only in a dream. Where the hell am I? More important, where the hell am I going? The only thing I really want to do is travel. I'm getting restless. I want to get out of State College and hop on a train and go to Alaska and see the Northern Lights to remind myself that there is something out there—a higher power? Or maybe that even without a higher power the world contains such beauty that it's worth it to stick around, anyway.